Lead with Love, Not Labels

Identity Catalyst vs Identity Crisis

I have desired to write this post for 3 days.

I have stared at a blank screen for 3 days.

I have so much that I want to share that I just can’t seem to find the right words to convey this big thought / feeling / experience stuck in my head. But today I’m going to try.

For those of you who are new or just haven’t been paying attention, I experienced Tony Robbin’s UPW (Unleash the Power Within) virtual event. When the event began on March 16th, I was completely broken and empty. I had surrendered a huge segment of my family storyteller business. My youngest is in a place of crisis right now with no end in sight. The limited number of health professionals on are health plan are booked out for months. I was devastated by trolls remarks about dental situation and I had focused on it so much, I became depressed and hopeless.

When I signed up for the event back in January, I had no idea what was going to happen in February that was going to bring me to my knees. But God did. God knew what was coming. He knew I was going to be emptied out (because letting it consume me was not a viable option) and ready for what was to come. I had no idea what was ahead, I had asked for some solutions for my always low energy levels, weight loss solutions, and clear vision or fields of possibility for my career / business.

On the other side of the event, I felt so much lighter. I hadn’t miraculously lost weight. Scale reported one pound heavier. Doesn’t mean anything. I fluctuate between the same six pounds all of the time. I was more exhausted on the exit of the event than the entrance. It’s taken me all week to recover from the exhaustion - and I’m still not fully recovered. But I do have hope and and a plan to work on energy and weight loss. It’s just going to take some time.

But the vision for my life in business - was so crystal clear. Finish my 2 books I keep putting off and I realized how much I miss coaching and teaching.

When thinking of what next steps I needed to take, I remember thinking near the end of the event, how much I wish Toastmasters had an immersion event - I would do so much better at something like that than trying to go to bi weekly meetings etc - that does absolutely NOTHING for me unless I’ve had a previous immersion experience to build on. Well, it’s not Toastmasters, but I was tagged in a post that a speaker coach I love and admire was offering a FREE 3 day 4 session event to coach speakers and then, those of us who are selected to experience her event get to speak for 10 minutes at her summit! So, I’m praying for a spot in that experience. They will announce who is selected at the end of next week. (If y’all could say a short prayer for me in that situation I would appreciate it.)

Then right after that, I learned about an upcoming workshop about adding coaching to my business with a Christian business coach I’ve always wanted to work with and just never have the money to invest in it. So, I enrolled into her workshop, upgraded with her workbook and extra sessions, etc.

So, I feel like the two things God revealed to me.. He opened up doors and showed me the next steps for me to take.

While I would love to tell you about the coaching and what that will look like, I am not sure yet. I am going into the workshop next week open and empty and letting God direct my path. I know that I want it to look like. I know I want to offer an on-demand coaching solution using Telegram, God may have something else in mind. So, I will update you again in a couple of weeks.

I do have clear vision of focus. I am an Identity coach. What became so urgently clear for me during the event is what Identity is… and what creates a crisis in Identity. When we experience a bunch of question marks when it comes to our identity, it’s normally a loss that causes that. . . a loss of love. I truly believe that someone in identity crisis is experiencing a form of grief. And grief in my own experience and helping others dealing with grief is when we lose love. Then, that grief experience changes who we are. It reshapes us and redefines us.

Other experiences that trigger the question marks around our Identity include Midlife, an adoptee struggling with who they are - trying to merge their dna to the nurture / environment in which they were raised; or just give up on that and embrace who God designed them to be. There are so many gaps for adoptees who don’t have access to their dna identity to fill in. And then, a very difficult space to work in, what I call Post Traumatic Faith / Post Traumatic Churchy People Syndrome. I have so much to say on this latter, I am going to save for a future post.

There are a ton of people from my generation - plus many others who finally got fed up with religion and left completely. There are some who have a tug to come back; but they struggle over the origins - is it guilt from the brainwashing of their upbringing or is it the Holy Spirit leading them back home? Then navigating all of the issues they must come to terms with on that journey.

There are those who have been deeply hurt, manipulated, shamed, judged, fear mongered, demoralized, marginalized, labeled, alienated or cast out by people in the name of religion. I am one of them. I have a kid who is now in this same category of people.

However, I have been able to deprogram from my legalistic upbringing, and find a faith that is ever evolving and transforming. As a result, my biggest pet peeves are legislated religion and people who are on the abusing end of the previous paragraph.

Here is my promise to you. I will NEVER point to religion. I will ALWAYS point to God. I hope to always inspire you on a personal faith journey of your own. I will always love and respect you even when you choose not to believe.

The one thought I want to share with you today is about Identity and how we are impacted by those who lead with labels and those who lead with love. I will write more on this later to help shorten this post, but I want to get you thinking in this direction.

Labels carry meaning. The same label can carry different meanings to different people. One example, I am a Christian. That’s a label. That’s also an identity marker.

If I tell you I am a Christian, what meaning does that carry for you? What set of expectations do you attach to it? If we don’t see eye to eye on theology or religion, do you tear that label off in your brain and replace it with another one?

Some people can take that Christian label and run with it. They immediately assume we are alike in theology and belief systems, and they like me because we have that in common. Others, however, won’t want to have anything to do with me! Just because of a word. Why? Because Christian means to them and their own experience: abuser, judgmental, hypocrite, jerk, pious, etc.

This is why I am really reluctant to identify myself up front with people because I immediately turn off and am tuned out by the very people I am passionate about serving and help healing. I also am tired of answering that yes, I am a Christian but not one of those Christians. . .and then, have to explain myself.

I always hope that I can live the truth of John 13:35 - that everyone will know I am a Christian by the way that I love not only God, but love others. Here’s the ironic thing - and a sad story from one perspective: Everything I know about unconditional love, I didn’t learn from Christians. I learned from my best friend, an atheist. He’s one of the very few people I can trust 100 percent of the time to have my best interests at heart and not question any agenda behind anything he says or does other than looking out for me. He’s the same way with others. I don’t corner the market on this.

When I first met him and told him I was a Christian, he questioned me for 20 minutes on what that meant to me. Why? Because the meaning he attaches to Christians: They hurt people. They are hypocritical. They don’t mean what they say. They are vicious human beings. They are lousy parents who raise their kids to feel worthless.

What is wrong with that picture!!!???!!!

Ironically, on the flip side of this, it is are amazing conversations that are the reason I have grown in my own faith. I have also grown away from “religion.” I don’t have much use for organized religion - especially the leaders (pastors, elders, etc.) Of course, I’d like to say I have exceptions to this, but the last time I voiced an exception, I was quickly proven wrong. (I talked about it in my Achieving the Impossible post a few weeks back.)

I have a love/hate relationship with religious abusers. I despise the fact I have a mission field because of them. But I appreciate them because I have an ever-expanding field of hurting people to serve. I love them because God tells me to love them.

Another example…

It’s hard to work in the adoptee space. I briefly talked about this with Meggan Larson the other day. Adoptees are tricky. Ever heard of adoptee narcissism? Often, adoptees think, more often than not, that their experience is the ONLY experience. And if you’ve encountered one of these lovely, extremely jaded and angry individuals, it might change the meaning of “adoptee” next time you encounter someone who says they are an adoptee.

But I have a hard time being accepted in the adoptee community once I mention I am also a birth mother. So, while I lend a very unique perspective, they often don’t want to hear it. In the adoption triad, for the longest time, adoptive parents are hailed as heroes or rescuers of these poor, unloved, abandoned young humans. As it became more acceptable, birth mothers could also speak up and voice their role and hailed as heroes - by adoptive parents; rarely, by adoptees.

But where are the adoptees in all of this hero worship? They don’t have a voice. They are experiencing a life that people just don’t understand. Sometimes, not even the adoptee even understands fully about what is going on with them. The unseen forces working against them, unexplained undercurrents of anger, addictions, feelings of self-doubt and low sense of self-worth. They see everyone that leaves them as abandoning them. They don’t know how to explain how they know who they are at the core while it is going against everything their adoptive parents value or have raised them to be. So, when they get their #adopteevoice on social media - it comes across as angry. They blame their adoptive parents trying to fill something in their own lives or feel like they are a trophy rescue puppy from a foreign orphanage… Some of them have experienced some horrific circumstances that could not have been foreseen by agencies or attorney or the birth parent who placed them.

The thing with adoptees, is that as soon as you know they are an adoptee, it’s not something you forget. It’s also something you don’t stop seeing in them. Your brain is primed to see them in a certain way because of how you see that label.

What if we led with love instead?

What if we looked first for the things we love and the experiences we admire or appreciate about a person before we ever attempted to label someone? What kind of impact would that make on them and your relationship with them?

What if others did that favor for you? What would be the impact on your life?

We are created to love. We are created from love. When we operate from a perspective of labels rather than love, we create within us inner conflict that leads to our own identity crisis.

When we label ourselves, we limit ourselves and we change our ability to love ourselves. Same thing happens when it comes to labeling vs loving others.

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Comment and let me know. Join us in the Subscriber Chat on The Substack App - let’s carry on the conversation.

Thank you for reading. Until next time,

MelAnn

Reading time about 11 minutes. I apologize for the length - aren’t you glad I kept it short? ha!